From the Russian Baths

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another, and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3:00 am and says, “Oh, no! It’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway, and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there, and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams, “Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands? You bloody liar! You went bowling again!!”

One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. “Dozens of times,” was the reply. “Please tell that to the President,” Mrs. Coolidge requested.

When the President passed the pens and was told about the roosters, he asked, “Same hen every time?” “Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time.” The President nodded slowly, then said, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

He continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!” “That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.” “That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

A man gets home from work early. His wife is still wearing her nightgown. He walks into his bedroom, looks around, and finds his best friend standing in the closet naked.
The husband yells, “What the hell are you doing here?”
His friend replies, “Everybody’s gotta’ be someplace.”

In another version…

A man gets home from work early. His wife is still wearing her nightgown.
The husband goes into the bathroom, opens shower curtain, and finds his friend there.
The husband yells, “What the hell are you doing here?”
His friend replies, “I’m voting.”

^{both told by Myron Cohen}

Four rabbis engaged in frequent theological arguments. Of the four, three always agreed and declared the fourth to be wrong. One day, the odd rabbi out, couldn’t take it any more, and decided to appeal to a higher authority. “Oh, God!” he cried. “I know in my heart I am right, and they are wrong! Please send a sign to prove it to them!”

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the fourth rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. “A sign from God, see! I’m right, I knew it!” But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the fourth rabbi prayed again. “Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show I am right, and they are wrong. So please, God, send a bigger sign!” This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. “I told you I was right!” cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted nothing had happened that couldn’t be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, “Oh God…” the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice proclaimed, “HE’S R-I-I-I-GHT!”

The rabbi turned to the other three, and said, “Well?”

“So,” shrugged one of the other rabbis, “now it’s 3 to 2.”

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening: “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. “You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?” The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.”

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I got you a job. It’s only a one-liner,” he says. “That’s okay!” replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?” “Hark, I hear the cannons roar,” says the agent. “I love it!” says the actor. “When’s the audition?” “Wednesday,” says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, “Hark, I hear the cannons roar!” “Brilliant!” says the director, “you’ve got the job! The first show is at 9 o’clock, Saturday night.”

The actor is so excited that he celebrates. Actually he goes on a bender. He wakes up 8:00 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, “Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!”

Continue Reading…

He arrives and is stopped at the stage door. “Who the heck are you?” “I’m Hark, I hear the cannons roar” says the actor. “You’re Hark, I hear the cannons roar?” says the guard. “You’re late! Get to makeup right away!”

So, the actor runs up to makeup. “Who the heck are you?” asks the makeup girl. “I’m Hark, I hear the cannons roar!” he says.
“You’re late! Sit down.” So she applies the makeup. “Now, quick, get down to the stage, it’s almost time to say your line!”

So he dashes down to the stage. “Who the heck are you?” asks the stage manager. “I’m Hark, I hear the cannons roar!” he replies. “Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!”

So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty B-A-R-O-O-O-M!!! behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, “What the hell was THAT?!”

A Jewish grandmother takes her baby grandson to the ocean for the first time. For the occasion, she has dressed him in a smart little sailor outfit.

Without warning, a large wave folds over the young boy and swoops him out into the ocean. The grandmother looks up at the sky, “Please God, save my grandson. I will do anything if you return him to me. I will pray daily, I will volunteer weekly. Please God, I will do anything.”

In a flash, another wave hits the beach, and the grandson washes up on the sand.

The grandmother looks the boy over, then looks up at the sky and says, “He had a hat.”

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!” “That’s right!” shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is – it’s a box of candy!” “That’s right!” shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?” The boy replied, “A puppy!”

Innocently unaware of prejudices held against him, a devoutly religious old black man, applied for membership in an exclusive church. The pastor attempted to put him off with all sorts of evasive remarks. The old man, growing aware that he was not wanted, said finally, that he would pray on it, and perhaps the Lord would tell him just what to do.

Several days later he returned. “Well,” asked the minister, “did the Lord send you a message?”

“Yes sir, he did,” was the answer. “He told me it wasn’t any use. He said, ‘I’ve been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years, and I still can’t make it.'”

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience, during which she sees God, and asks if this is the end. God says no, and she has another 30-40 years to live. She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. Upon recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color.

After her final operation, and she is finally released, she is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God again she exclaims, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?” God replies, “I didn’t recognize you!”

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention….”

Determined to “take it with him” when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.

The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he could not bring his suitcase. “Oh, but I have an agreement with God,” the man explained.

“That’s unusual,” said St. Peter. “Mind if I take a look?” The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.

St. Peter was amazed. “Why in the world would you bring paving stones?”

This Taoist story is the source for many vaudeville and comedy bits.

There was an old farmer who worked hard on his little farm. He never had much money, but he had one good horse, and a son who helped him. One day his horse ran away. His neighbor was upset, and commiserated with him about his bad luck. The farmer said, “What makes you think it is so bad?”

Weeks later, the horse trotted home–bringing with her two beautiful wild horses. The neighbor was excited, and congratulated the farmer on his good luck. The farmer said, “What makes you think it’s so good?”

The farmer’s son was thrown from one of the wild horses and broke his leg. His neighbor, once again upset, expressed sympathy for this bad luck. The farmer said, “What makes you think it is so bad?”

A war came, and every able-bodied man was conscripted and sent into battle. Only the farmer’s son, because he had a broken leg, remained. The neighbor was excited, and congratulated the farmer on his good luck. The farmer said, “What makes you think it’s so good?”

One of Archie Campbell’s versions…

Archie: Hey I guess you heard about my terrible misfortune. Roy: No, what happened?
Archie: Yeah, my great uncle died.
Roy: Oh that’s bad! Archie: No that’s good! Roy: How’s come?
Archie: Well, when he died, he left me 50,000 dollars.
Roy: Oh that’s good! Archie: No that’s bad! Roy: How come?
Archie: When the Internal Revenue got thru with it, all I had left was 25,000 dollars.
Roy: Oh that’s bad. Archie: No that’s good. Roy: How come
Archie: Well I bought me an airplane and learned to fly.
Roy: Well that’s good. Archie: No that’s bad. Roy: How come
Archie: Well I was flying upside down the other day and I fell outta the dern thing
Roy: Well that’s bad. Archie: No that’s good. Roy: How come
Roy: Well when I looked down under me and there was a great big ole haystack.
Roy: Well that’s good. Archie: No that’s bad. Roy: How come?
Archie: Well I got a little closer and I saw a pitchfork aimed right at me
Roy: Well that’s bad. Archie: No that’s good. Roy: How come
Archie: I missed the pitchfork
Roy: Well that’s good. Archie: No that’s bad. Roy: How come
Archie: I missed the haystack too.
Roy: Well that’s bad. Archie: No that’s good. Roy: How come?
Archie: Well I bounced around a few minutes and an ambulance come and took me to a hospital
Roy: Well that’s good. Archie: No that’s bad. Roy: How come?
Archie: Well I was in the hospital there for a while and I took a turn for the nurse.
Roy: That’s bad. Archie: No that’s good. Roy: How come?
Archie: Well my wife came in one day and caught me kissing this nurse
Oh that’s bad. No that’s good. Roy: How come?
Archie: She said if that was the way I was gonna act I could have that pretty nurse, she was gonna pack her clothes and go back home to momma.
Roy; Oh that’s good
Archie: You’re dern right that’s good.

• If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
• Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
• Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction.
  With the third, peace. With the fourth, a danish.
• Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
• Accept misfortune as a blessing.
  Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems.
  What would you talk about?
Continue Reading…
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “oy.”
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have? Bupkes.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says,”Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
The Buddha says there is no “self.”
So, maybe you are off the hook.
The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.

A young couple was blessed with a healthy baby boy. He was unusually quiet, but all else was fine. After two years the child doesn’t speak, and the parents begin to worry about him. After three years he has not spoken, and by his fourth birthday he still has not uttered a word.

The couple figure he is never going to speak, but he is a lovely child, and on his fourth birthday they throw him a party, and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the little boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not like the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”

My god,” his mother says, “you can speak!”

To which the little boy replies, “Of course.”

How come you have never spoken before? “his father asks.

“Well,” the boy says, “up till now everything has been satisfactory.”

Q: What do you get if you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and a Unitarian?
A: Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

An English sage goes to God, and says “Lord we need to learn the meaning of patience, the meaning of eternity, how to sit for hours and not feel guilty.” And God says “Certainly my son, here you are, the rules for cricket”.

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.” “Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. “First, the flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in all my life!”

Two Jews walking down the street pass a church; outside is a sign, “Convert to Christianity, get $400.” One of them shrugs, and says, “why not?” His friend declines, but says he’d wait for him.

The guy enters the church, is in there for a couple of hours, and finally comes out wearing a seersucker suit, a straw hat and bow tie: “I converted!”

His friend asks, “What was it like?”

“They were very nice,” says the man, “and it wasn’t hard at all.”

“Did you get the $400?”

“What’s with you people?”

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said “I like both.”

“Both?” The artist and architect asked.

“Yeah,” said the engineer, “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the workshop and get some work done.”

A serious man joins a certain monastery, in which monks take a strict vow of silence. However, every 10 years, each is allowed to break his silence, and speak two words to the abbot.

Ten years pass, and it’s the monk’s first audience with, and opportunity to speak to, the abbot. After a moment he says, “Food bad.” The abbot blesses, and then dismisses him.

Ten years later the same monk says, “Bed hard.” The abbot blesses, and then dismisses him.

Yet another decade later—now thirty years after the monk’s first vows—he again has an audience with the abbot. He says to the abbot, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”