From the Russian Baths

Irving goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. “Hi, is Bernie home?” “No he went to the store.”

“Well, so, do you mind if I wait?” “No, sure, come in.”

They sit down and Irving says, “You know Rachel, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.” Rachel thinks about this for a second and says to herself, what the hell—a hundred bucks! My husband sees them all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. Irving promptly thanks her and throws the 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Irving says, “They are soooo beautiful, I’ve got to see both of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together.” Rachel thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Irving a nice, long look.

Irving thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says that he can’t wait any longer for Bernie, and leaves. A while later Bernie arrives home and Rachel says, “You know, your meshugge friend Irving came over.” Bernie promptly asks, “Well, did he leave the 200 bucks he owes me?”

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest asked. “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and l will put them in with my two male parrots, who l taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the Bible away. Our prayers have been answered!”

An elderly woman carrying a large paper bag entered the head branch Chase Manhattan Bank. She told the young man at the window that she wished to open an account there with the $3 million she had in the bag. First, though, she wanted to meet the president of Chase Manhattan due to the amount of money involved.

This sounded like a reasonable request, so after opening the bag the teller saw bundles of $1,000 bills which must have totaled around $3 million. He phoned the bank president’s secretary to get the woman in to see the president. The elderly woman was ushered upstairs to to the president’s office. Introductions were made, and she said she liked to get to know  people she did business with on a more personal level.

The bank president asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. “Was it an inheritance?” he asked. “No,” she answered. “Was it from playing the stock market?” he inquired. “No,” she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think where this elderly woman could possibly have come into $3 million.

“I bet,” she stated. “As in horses?” he asked. “No” she replied. “I bet people.” Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square.”

The bank president figured she must be crazy, and decided to take her up on the bet. How could he lose? For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening, and take no chances—there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up the next morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay with his scrotum. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day—how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o’clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved.

“Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?” “I don’t know how to tell you this,” he replied, “but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only now $25,000 richer.”

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable, and dropped his trousers . She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, every thing was fine. His balls were not square.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong with him?” he inquired. “Oh, him,” she answered. ” I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o’clock this morning I’d have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: “Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 | Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 | Hand Job: $10.00.”

Checking his wallet to make sure he’s got the cash, he steps up to the bar and calls to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to group of eager men.

“Yes?” she says with a knowing smile, “can I help you?” “I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs, “indeed I am.” The man replies “Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

An old farmer hauling a load of manure was stopped by a state trooper. “You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. “These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained. “Yep,” the farmer said, “them are circle flies.”

“What’s a circle fly?” asked the trooper. “Them flies that circle a horse’s tail,” answered the farmer, “Them are circle flies.”

“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” the trooper angrily asked. “Nope, I wouldn’t,” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.”

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?”

The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.” The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had.” The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” “HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,” the old man yells.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald’s for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “I’d guess that you’re 29?” “Nope, I am actually 47.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.” As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47,” Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonald’s”.

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, “You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?”

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, “How about Jupiter? It’s nice and warm there this time of the year.” God shakes His head before saying, No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.”

“Hmmm,” St. Peter reflects. “Well, how about Mercury?” “No way!” God about screams. “It’s way too hot for me there!”

“I’ve got it,” St. Peter says, his face lighting up. “How about going down to Earth for your vacation?” Chuckling, God remarks, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with a nice Jewish girl, and they’re still talking about it!”

This guy’s wife asks, “Honey if I died would you remarry?” and he replies, “Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would.” She says, “If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?” and he replies, “We’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would.” So she asks, “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?” and he says, “That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it’s going to last a long time, I guess she would.” So she asks, “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” and he says, “Oh no, she’s left handed.”

Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral procession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap, and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed. At this point, the other three said, “You know, the was the most touching thing I’ve ever seen.” And the guy answers, “Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!”

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The specialist asks him about his symptoms, and the guy replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….”

He is interrupted by the specialist, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.” “Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.

This is how I cured it. Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she squeezed her legs together with all her strength, and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks, and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by, and the guy returns. “Well, how do you feel?” “Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

Three health care professionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks the first, “Why do you belong here?”

The first replies, “I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless lives.” “Welcome,” says Saint Peter, “We’ve been expecting you.”

Saint Peter then asks the second, “Why do you belong here?” The second answers “I was a family practitioner. I treated young and old alike. I made them well again.” “Welcome,” says Saint Peter, “We’ve been expecting you.”

Finally, Saint Peter asks the third, “Why do you belong here?” The third says, “I ran an HMO. I helped allow for thousands to receive medical care.” “Okay,” replies Saint Peter, “But you can only stay a day and a half.”

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife. He says, “Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water. She replied, “but honey I do not have a headache!” He replied, “Thank God!”

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who hands him a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn’t that bright, so he decides to pull the old ‘short-change’ trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with one dollar. The horse doesn’t say a word. The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. Says the bartender to him, “Y’know, we don’t get many horses in here.” To which the horse replies, “It’s no damned wonder, at nine dollars a beer!”

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!” Jerry says, “Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, ‘Should we take them with us or eat them here?’ I couldn’t keep quiet any more!”

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read’s: Dear Wife (that’s what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows: Dear Husband (that’s what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18!

Three buddies died in a car crash, and ended up in heaven. At their orientation, Saint Peter asked, “When you are in your casket, and your friends and family are mourning your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy said, “I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy said, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of our children.”

The last guy replied, “I would like to hear them say……look, he’s moving!!!”

A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A hand raises in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her. As he approaches, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man’s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says, “So you want to feel like a woman?” She shakes her head yes.

The man hands her the shirt, and says, “Here. Iron this.”

A Jewish girl comes home and says, “Ma, I got married.” Her mother says, “Oy! That’s great!”

She says, “But, Ma, he’s an Arab.” Her mother says, “Oy, that’s not so great.”

She says, “But, Ma, he’s an Arab Sheik. He’s wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives.”

Six months later, she walks in the house and says, “Ma, I love my Arab Sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is poke me in the rear. Day and night, all he’ll do is bang my butt. When I got married, my butt-hole was like a dime … now, it’s like a silver dollar!”

Her mother says, “So for ninety cents you’re going to make trouble?”

A couple about to be married had a car accident the day before their wedding and died. At the Pealy Gate they asked, “St. Peter, we would really like to be married here in heaven.” Peter replied, “Why don’t you wait a few years to make sure you really want to spend eternity together.” “OK,” they replied. So they waited.

About a hundred years went by, and they asked again. Again Peter said to wait a while. So again they waited. Another hundred years passed, and they asked again. Peter finally said, “OK. Sure, why not.” So of course they had a grand wedding. About eighty years went by, and they went to Peter and asked for a divorce.

Peter replied, “Hold on! It took me two hundred years to get a minister up here. How do you think I’ll ever get a lawyer up here?”

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool, and tells everyone in the bar that his octopus can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone in the crowd laughs at him, and calls him an idiot. So he wagers $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. “Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?” The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. “Excuse me,” she said to the manager. “My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks.”

“I’m awfully sorry,” he replied, “but all of our rooms are occupied.” Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.”What luck,” said Mrs. Goldstein. “Now there’s a room.”
“Not so fast, Madam. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed.”
“Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic.”
“I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?” ,,,”Jesus, Son of Mary.”
“Where was he born?” …”In a stable.”
“And why was he born in a stable?”
“Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!”

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.

“Oh my God!” she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the town bar. “It figures,” she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who’s sitting at the bar with his drink.

“What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal…. and then… I come in here and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!”

“Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “you don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”

A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and says, “How long has it been since you had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asks, “How long has it been since you had a whisky? He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, “Wow, that is fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you had some real fun?” And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, “My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath.”

The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?” He goes to minister—a married man—experienced, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority—a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge: a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question and states, “My son, sex is definitely play.” The man replies, “rabbi, how can you be so sure, when so many others tell me sex is work?!” The rabbi softly speaks, “If sex were work my wife would have the maid do it.”

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, “Let’s go over to that bar and get something to drink.” The guy with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got our dogs with us.”

The one with the Doberman said, “Just follow my lead.” So, they walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.” The man with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.” The bouncer said, “A Doberman Pinscher?” The man said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.” The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his story would be more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The man with the Chihuahua said, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.” The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?” The man with the Chihuahua exclaimed, “A Chihuahua? You’re kidding me! They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?”

One day, a boy was walking down a road when a frog called to him, “Boy, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess.” The boy picked up the frog, smiled at it, then placed the frog into his pocket.

Later, the frog said, “Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a week.” The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, then put it back into his pocket.

Later, the frog said, “Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will do anything you want!” The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled, and put it back.

Finally, the frog cried, “Boy, what is the matter, I have told you that I am a beautiful princess, and if you kiss me, I will stay with you and do anything you want!” The boy took the frog from his pocket and said, “Look, I am an engineer, I have no time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!”

Not many years ago, a man named Patrick wanted to visit the Holy Land. He knew that planes were being hijacked and blown up because of tensions in the region, and being a careful, extremely organized man, he did everything in his power to assure the safety of his journey. But  just minutes after takeoff, a bomb exploded under his seat, and Patrick was blown out the side of the plane.

As he fell, Patrick thought back on the choices he had made, all his efforts now apparently so worthless. He had chosen Pan Am rather than TWA. he changed flights in Switzerland, rather than the more troubled airports in Germany or Italy. He’d chosen to travel on a Saturday rather than midweek. And just minutes before take off, he switched from the aisle to a window seat.

Somewhere around eight thousand feet, Patrick’s situation was grim indeed. From the depth of his faith, he called out for help. “Saint Francis,” he cried, “please help me!” Amazingly a hand reached down from the heavens, caught Patrick by the scruff of his jacket, and held him suspended in midair, thousands of feet above the earth.

Just catching his breath, Patrick became aware of a voice belonging to the hand. And the voice asked, “Which Saint Francis?”

A young man is a guest at the Grossinger Hotel in the Catskills. On his first evening there he comes into the lobby and finds it full of well-dressed young people having a good time.

But there’s also one old man in the lobby, dressed in black, with a long beard and payis, and wearing a yarmulka. The young man goes over to the old man and says, “You appear to be a very orthodox Jew, and I am kind of surprised that you are a guest here at Grossinger’s. The old man says, “I’m not really a guest. I am the mashgiach for Grossinger’s. The work isn’t very onerous, the salary is reasonable, and I get free room and board at the hotel. So it’s a pretty good deal.”

The next winter the young man is a guest at the finest hotel in Miami Beach. Once again the lobby of the hotel is crowded with fashionably dressed young people, and once again the elderly orthodox man is there. The old man explains to the young man that business at Grossinger’s is very slow in the winter, and, accordingly, he has come to the Miami Beach hotel to be the mashgiach there.

A couple of months later the young man finds himself at the King David hotel in Jerusalem. Here the lobby is crowded with many orthodox old men. The young man is surprised, however, to find the mashgiach there as well. He asks the mashgiach, “Has the King David Hotel found it necessary to bring you over from America to be the mashgiach here also?” To which the old man replies, “Certainly not! At the King David hotel, I am the golf pro.”

Tommy O’Connor went to confession and said, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
“What have you done Tommy O’Connor?” “I had sex with a girl.”
“Who was it, Tommy?” “I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin.”

“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?” “No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.”
“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?” “No father, please forgive me for my sin.”
“Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O’Keefe.” “No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”
“Okay, Tommy, go say 5 Hail Mary’s and 4 Our Fathers, and you will be absolved of your sin.”

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend was waiting. “What did ya get?” asked his friend. “Well I got 5 hail Mary’s, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.”

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Microsoft employee. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers the Apple engineer. They all board the train.

The Microsoft employees take their respective seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom, and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without ticket?” asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom, and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…”

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “So where are you flying to today?”

She turns and smiles, and says, “To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago.” He swallows hard, and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “And what’s your role at this convention?” She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, “Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really” he says, swallowing hard. “And what myths are those?” She explains: “Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.” “Very interesting,” the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. “I’m sorry, she says, “I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don’t even know your name.” The man extends his hand and replies, “Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.”

A man runs into his house home early from work, and shouts to his wife. “Hey Honey, guess what? I won the Lottery. Pack you’re bags!” “Yippee!” she exclaims, “should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?” He says, “What do I care, just pack up and go!”

Reminds me of the story of Bill Clinton arriving back in Little Rock, Arkansas. He gets off the plane with a pig under each arm. His chauffeur says, “Mr President, those are two mighty fine pigs.” “Yes, I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea,” says Bill. “Well,” says the chauffeur “It seems like a fair swap to me”

1. “Nasrudin,” said the mayor, “Mrs Rahman’s husband died today. Go tell her, but try to break the news gently. She is a very frail lady.”Nasrudin went to her house and knocked on the door. A frail lady answered.

   “Does Miss Rahman the widow live here?” asked Nasrudin.

   “My name is Rahman, and I do live here,” the lady replied. “But I am not a widow.”

   “Well,” Nasrudin replied, “I’m willing to bet a hundred dollars that you are!”

2. Nasrudin’s cousin went to live far away, and left some of his possessions behind. One day, the cousin’s cat died, and Nasrudin sent him a message that bluntly said: “Your cat is dead.”

   The cousin, very upset, sent a message back that said, “Where I live, we give people bad news more tactfully. Instead of just telling me flat out that my cat died, you should have let me know me little by little. You should have started off by saying something like, ‘Your cat is acting strange,’ then later, ‘your cat is jumping all over the place,’ then still later told me, ‘Your cat is missing,’ and then finally broken the news with, ‘Your cat is dead.’

   A month later, Nasrudin’s cousin received a new letter from Nasrudin, which said: “Your mother is acting strangely.”

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on a bench.
Cowboy to Indian: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: Dog no talk.
Cowboy: Hey dog, how’s it going? Dog: Doin’ all right.
Cowboy, pointing to the Indian: Is this your owner? Dog: Yep.
Cowboy: How’s he treating you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse? Indian: Horse no talk.
Cowboy: Hey horse, how’s it going? Horse: Good day to you Mr. Cowboy.
Cowboy, pointing to the Indian: Is this your owner? Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: How’s he treating you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep? Indian: Sheep lie!

So a guy dies, and as he enters Heaven, he meets God. “You led a good life back on Earth,” God tells him. “I’m going to give you three requests, in addition to your normal Heavenly reward. Just ask for anything you desire.”

“Well,” the guy says, “I’d really like to see my Mother.” “No problem,” God tells him, “She’s in the next room waiting for you. What else?”
“My wife and I lost our son when he was a baby. Is there any chance…” “He’s sitting on his grandmother’s lap, and is eager to meet you. Anything else?”

Well, some years ago, I ordered a Wayne Henderson guitar, and…” God quickly interrupted him, “Not in my lifetime.”

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, “I’m going to Las Vegas.” He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him, “I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free.”

He pondered that, then went into the house, packed his bags, and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said “And just where do you think you’re going?” “I’m going too!!” he replied. “Why?” She asked. “I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!”

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.”

The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”